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Tag Archives: family

By the sea,

I think of them

sitting in a circle with me on the beach; Mom, Dad,

Steve, Naomi,

Grandpa Toma, Uncle Paul

and Asia.

We’re under sunshine,

on the sand

next to the best waves.

Summer always comes and goes too soon.

I think of absent friends and family;

it doesn’t matter which season comes next,

for me, the next one always comes without them.

The calendar means nothing here;  Summer does its big finish when it wants,

in a ball of fire,

and a puff of smoke

and bows out

giving it over to Autumn.

In a moment, you were here;

you weighed two pounds, and could fit in one hand; you grew, and suddenly

had arms that moved  just like your mother’s, and could throw a glance

just like your father -

This is what we don’t talk about, but we remember – you wanted to go to UC Davis

and be a veterinarian.

You loved to play basketball, and, like any good auntie would do,

I was teaching you my favorite sport – shopping, what else?

Once, we were out, and  you said you were looking for size zero;

I said we would need to go to the invisible clothing section.

That made you laugh, and your laugh made me happy.

We lost your mother when you were seven, in the same hospital where you were born, and

you did the thing that sad girls do; you got up, and went to school, and kept the big pain inside.

When your dad was still alive, the three of us would go to bookstores in the afternoon and read -

No way for you to escape the love of books; your parents and I were smitten with reading, and you would be, too.

Then, in a moment, your dad was gone, and we both walked around with more holes in our hearts.

And three years later, in a moment, you were gone, too.

In a hospital, in L.A., in a moment, with one wrong move, you were gone, too.

A slice of life in a moment – and we are left here,

and we sew the shreds together, but the seams can still be seen.

(Inspired by Sylvia Plath) -

Legacy.

Across the bridge,

I bring flowers, and sit on the ground with them

They talk to me without speaking – no judgment, nothing wanting.

I listen, and hear the past, and remember how it was when they were here, and how they helped me just by being here;

I would watch TV with them, and they would argue over who was in what show: “Was that Eddie Albert or Van Johnson?”

They would ask me,”No big plans?”

Nope.

It was enough.

I sat like that then, and I sit like this now – no big plans, and it is enough.

Good visit, M and D.

Image

Here’s what I learned about myself when I was growing up:

My mother – “Your face has character;” “How are you doing with your weight?;” “Is that how you wanted your hair cut?”

My dance teacher – “Your legs are too short”

My boyfriend – “If you gain weight, I’ll break up with you”

My junior high school journalism teacher – “Be careful, don’t hit your head on the ceiling” (after I had been published in the literary magazine in 9th grade)

My high school counselor – “Dance is so competitive, you might want to think about another career”

Here’s what I do about it now:

I dance every day;

I write and publish myself, myself –  and people read it, and tell me they like it; and even if no one tells me , I do it anyway, because I have to -

And Mom? I wish you were here so we could argue about my weight now…and you would be pleased to know that I don’t just have character, I am one – congratulations.

The prince from so long ago who said he would break up with me if I gained weight?

I dumped him on his ass;

thirty years later, it’s still the wisest thing I’ve ever done…

I’m here now, to say – none of you broke me;

I may be cracked, but I’m still going strong;

Thanks.

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